How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
