Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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