i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
fuck your aforementioned shoe
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
