if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
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