I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Panties = found
Randomize
