lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
