Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Randomize
