Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
