Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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