do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
