Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
