Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
