We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
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