dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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