currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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