Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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