turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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