and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
You can't special order awesome
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Randomize
