Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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