This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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