Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
