Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
