I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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