Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
