i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
