she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Just pee around me
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
