Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
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