the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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