my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
