im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
