the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
