wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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