I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
