On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
