Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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