i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
