Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
