I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Someone came in the potted fern
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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