I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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