Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
