i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
