Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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