we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
