i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
