I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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