definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Randomize
