Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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