Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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