So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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