I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
